So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Randomize
