Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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