Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Houston, we have a squirter
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
