Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
