He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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