HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I got inside last night via doggy door
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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