Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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