If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
