jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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