while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
