God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Mom said you looked used
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
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