the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
