Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize