like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
