Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
