Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize