What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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