Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I need to calm my uterus...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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