So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
