So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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