I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
