just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize