the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
