It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Quick, to the slutcave!
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
