god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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