Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
