She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
