Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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