Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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