I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
