Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
