We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
