dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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