Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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