i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
