glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I deserve this hangover.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
