I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
