why didn't you poke me back
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize