i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
