I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
