I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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