Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
