if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
