Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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