I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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