someone threw a dead crab at me
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
