based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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