I molested 6 butterflies tonight
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
