thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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