In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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