dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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