when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
