Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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