How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
