Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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