I wish life had little blips of pornography
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize