she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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