you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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