I got chris browned last night
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
