I met the friendliest cop last night
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
