This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
