You smell like stripper and shame
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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