I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize