Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just invented taco cereal.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
