I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Still dying that you shit outside
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
