Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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