I showed him my bush... on skype.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm too high and old for this...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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